healing a subtle wound

I’m up late again. It’s easier to think when the world quiets down and the conventional urges for sleep draw most into the machine of cultural routine.

It’s easier to sprout wings and fly amidst the stars, so late – to embrace my birthright of exploration and discovery through reasoning, learning, and creativity. Things the accumulated weights of habit, routine, and community wouldn’t necessarily lead me back to.

A very old wound is finally beginning to heal – a stifled mind. I came to Austin years ago to train in transformation in Landmark Worldwide’s Introduction Leaders Program, and I was told by those training me that my intellect and my reason were only “resistance” and “identity” and “strong suit”. I surrendered my mind in order to produce results…and was heartbroken when the results never materialized. All I had to show for it was a newfound willingness to abdicate the sharpened sword of thinking-for-myself I had spent so many years cultivating…I no longer trusted myself.

To some extent, they saw something valuable that it took years for me to also see and to fully embrace: THAT I have feelings and they matter, THAT I have a body and it matters, and THAT respecting both through touching-and-staying yields joy as much as power. To another, one that I’m only reintegrating now, the most beautiful gift I’d spend ten years building – my intellect – was shoved, held underwater, and seemingly drowned. I kept drowning myself (all doubts, all curiosities, all excitements) that the simplicity of a single often-terribly-articulated audio course (however many truths might definitely be there, despite a profoundly poor understanding of science from an unqualified articulation)…and then the certainty and faith (built justly from actual spiritual experiences that merit such a degree of faith, in his world and for him alone) of one of my mentors…was enough to continue all this, to wrap my mind in the straight-jacket of whatever I was told…from a messy imprecise hodge-podge buffet of New Age beliefs.

No more. Teaching Philosophy again has been like Jacob wrestling with God in the desert and receiving a new name in return. That name, so far, is the act of distinction and the power to be found there. That name, so far, is actually listening to what people are saying and asking if it makes any damned sense before wholesale accepting it. That name, so far, is a mixture of willingness to try things on…and also to completely let go of beliefs that don’t have proof.

It’s right and just and healthy and good that I be critical and considerate, thoughtful and prudent, rigorous and precise. That I question any claim to “intuition” or “divine guidance,” especially when it isn’t also engaging in a rational dialogue around systems of economic, racial, and sexist injustice and unconsciousness…where there’s not enough leverage to have them confront the truly intricate complexity of the world.

I’m doing the work to reconcile Faith and Reason within me, teachability versus holding my own counsel, surrender versus self-assertion. Both are necessary, but in what order? How?

If philosophy weren’t the call of my heart, why would it feel so very good now to ask these very questions and seek the answers?

All the more so, I’m cause in the matter of how I surrendered, uncritically and casually, to ILP. The scar left there was as much from my own choice to lose faith in myself as from the social pressures of the group and practices I’d taken on. Just as I’m now cause in the matter of chasing and learning the balance between faith and reason.

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In the same way,  it’s right and just and healthy and good, the craving for intimacy that I feel. To share and connect and touch and nourish another with words and presence and heart who is willing to meet me there…Stealing Heaven was so tragic and beautiful. I spend so much time with my masculine that the feminine has grown even hungrier. Abelard was similar.

Masculine and feminine, healing together at once within me. I can only be infinitely grateful.

Recipe for Bliss # 490: Heal all your wounds, no matter how subtle. 

entertaining possibility

I’m teaching Philosophy again. The level of creativity, integration, and reverence with which I find myself conducting the activity of creating the curriculum is something I’ve never expressed before. There’s a commitment to doing it fully, doing it as well as possible…that matches the best of my workshops in EAN, at the very least.

And for the first time in a few years, I’ve allowed myself to start thinking for myself fully again. Truly, this world isn’t necessarily what I think it is. I’m not necessarily who I’ve thought myself to be.

I might be wrong. I might be wrong about everything. And it isn’t that “doubt is fear disguised,” to be tapped through or dismissed. Doubt is this key that opens a door into a realm of discovery and creation as much as learning and growth. It’s exhilarating. It’s refreshing. It’s enlivening.

Doubt is Crowley’s hunchback, ?, ready to pull the rug out from under me so that I can see the beauty and mystery of the floor beneath, the crook of the shepherd drawing me back into resonance with a wandering path through the enigmatic universe in all the glory of its novelty as an unknown.

To be an effective salesman, a business owner, a marketer, a coach…it seems you have to have a certain amount of certainty…and possibly even inerrant dogmatism. And it’s tiresome to have even some of The Answers.* It’s so nice to rest, like Apollo in the sea of stars, in an endless pool of possibility…

“O Nuit, continuous one of Heaven, let it be ever thus; that men speak not of Thee as One but as None; and let them speak not of thee at all, since thou art continuous!” (CCXX 1:27)

Recipe for Bliss # 3: “The unexamined life is not worth living.” So examine it

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*(Yes, it’s important to be Crowley’s Soldier as well, standing for meaning and purpose and accomplishment and freedom and creation in a world that can seem hostile and challenging…but there needs to be a balance between faith and reason, between certainty and doubt, between grasp of Truth and willingness to learn).

“You’re making love to my purpose.”

I met someone.

Well, I’ve known her for years, but I met her again for the first time in a long while. She showed up differently, and so did I, as we walked around her neighborhood in quick laps. She was vibrantly giddy to be around me and while I was exhausted, I was definitely being energized by her presence.

She noted that the increased attraction was about all the work I had done, and that I was doing The Work.

I asked her at one point what she was into in relationships, and she said quite clearly: “That he be fucking my purpose, not me. That he aligns and is excited about what I’m up to in the world more than into me.”

This was new to hear and interesting.

What we share in terms of purpose is the general orientations of commitment to develop ourselves, to be with and heal and transform what’s there, and to turn the spotlight of our well-honed attentions and energies upon other people as clients, and to transform this world for the better.

It echoed through my dancing self-care this morning.

I was watching “Change of Heart” (Star Trek: Deep Space Nine) and I saw it again. Two people on their missions together, helping each other to survive and thrive in a chaotic world.

Long gone are the cryptic days of Casanova. It’s clear that merging of energies must be aligned.

Love must be of the Highest Possibility for both and all, both in and through the Other…or nothing at all. 

the magic of a burning desire

I have more hope, freedom, security, excitement, novelty, beauty, room for creativity, and alignment in my life than I’ve ever had before.

It started with feng shui and the willingness to follow out my hunger to create workshop series. as well as a lot of honesty around what I was really feeling at my day job. I stopped trying to hide my disgust and lack of motivation.

It continued with my hope and faith in continuing to make EAN II work despite circumstances.

It pulled me through one of the most challenging periods of my life so far. The loss of  clients, a corporate job, and every shred of self-doubt that lingered in my field.

It wakes me up in the middle of the night with delighted hunger to iron out some small logistical wrinkle from the seamless garment of Empowering Austin Now’s oncoming future….AND…

Literally…effortlessly and in flow, within the time between the beginning of my writing this post and the end, another creative and financial opportunity delightful and exciting and aligned just dropped into my lap.

The music never stops.

Building EAN is my burning desire.

What’s yours?

Find it.

If you want help, book a Create Your Beloved Now* session with me – louisbrantmeyer.com

*it’s not just about creating your Beloved now…it’s about creating a Now that is ITSELF your Beloved, and where you love yourself Fully In that Now ❤

 

Landscapes of epic success

Those at EAN I will recall my workshop on the power of self-acknowledgment. There’s a twist on that for me in Austin.

This city occurs for me as a landscape of empowering landmarks (pun intended), when I choose to get present to it and explore it in my mind’s eye, when I drop into the frame of “what mark HAVE I MADE on this life and this world?”

Psychogeography becomes grimoire, and a journal written in places morphs into a vibrant breath of life just waiting to creep into my lungs and remind me of what I’ve done, who I am, and what I’m capable of.

My friend Frank did this on a call around 1:30am: “Don’t ‘look for parking.’ You’re magical, man. Just manifest a parking spot close by to where you want to be.” With the reminder, I did exactly that.

This city itself stands defiant in the face of my every disempowering thought or pattern, a similar reminder to his rejoinder. Just being here is a testament to an ongoing victory, and everywhere I look, I’m reminded of that power.

Making it on my own – I see this in the five separate places I’ve lived throughout the city (Enfield Ave, Emerald Forest, Hycreek, Manchaca, and Stassney), climaxing in my present one bedroom apartment.

Connections and adventures abound, things that weren’t going to happen anyway, things that required my choice and action and persistence: West Norris, Swallow Drive, Forest Wood…

Eight ALE/EAN events – found in echoes at 1310 S 1st Street, Casa de Luz, Guan Yin Tea House, Soma Vida, and that lovely home just off of Riverside.

BrainJuice still abounds at all five of the Whole Foods stores and so many others. Certain signage stands proud outside and inside of prominent Austin businesses.

Heck, even the car that drives me on the tour that shows me all this is a victory.

Finally, I look around my home through blue-blocking glasses at a sanctuary of supplements and practices built to vanquish the epic insomnia that plagued me last year…I lay my head down to rest, knowing that I can handle whatever is coming, and sleep in light.

And if I can do it, so can you. ALL OF IT. Whatever you want.

Recipe for bliss: turn your environment into a testament to your own ability to overcome, littered with reminders of victories. Then, your new listening of yourself can’t HELP but seep in and crowd out whatever negativity might still crop up. Bathe in the bliss of your wins.

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My mission crystallizes yet again from another angle: to take actions, share stories, and communicate in a way that inspires, uplifts, and empowers.

I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. The evidence is found in the moments of novelty, the creations that bubble up effortlessly.

Where there was a fire of creativity, now there are eight long bits of poetry.
Where there was an injustice, my cleverness and gently calibrated force warded off bullies who threatened us on the dance floor.
Where there was dissipation and constant frenzied fractionation between the past and the future, all of me has dropped into the present with appreciation and gratitude.

I’m learning more what I already know –
now and here is where to go.
Follow your feelings,
let go

into the flow.

What a night!

 

Solitude

There’s a moment when I open up, in solitude. When I’m freed. When enough distance and time from society and others and habits and routines and schedules is achieved that my Self is liberated unto a certain kind of unique joy.

True solitude, I have found, is a delectable solipsism that must be attained only after great effort.

I’m sure others have found it in Nature. Thoreau, probably. Where the mind, with a novel depth, curves in upon itself and begins to appreciate both the world at large as well as it’s own activity…reflection surmounts slavish reaction, expression advances above utility, and the speaking function, the word production, becomes free to dance amidst the many collected vicissitudes of curve and association hidden in the interstices of the mind. (As here!)

Amidst this golden freedom, I’ve found only one diamond tonight:

Solitude itself is necessary for flourishing, in certain souls. Not every, and not always, but definitely for some. It must be nourished, watered, cultivated, and grasped like a rainstorm that visits only fleetingly but which feeds the succulents that hunger silently throughout the year for their rare waterings.

Recipe for bliss: recover aloneness, and rediscover the joys there.

Why watch TV?

I still watch TV. It’s something that I go back and forth on. I don’t even have a TV in my house; I use my laptop.

The potentially negative neurological and social impacts, but also how it fits into my flow and makes me feel, how it engages my mind and makes me curious and analytical…all of these feed into the ongoing maybe-yes-maybe-no of it.

Star Trek has been my primary fare for several years now, with the commitment to watch every episode or movie in the in-fictional-universe order.

So why do I still watch? And why specifically this one show?

There’s always a moment of compassion, when the care, concern, friendship, or straight up love of one of the characters for another is on full and resonant display…when my heart creeps open and I can feel them. Whether it’s Spock excited to see the best friend Kirk he thought had died, or Odo inviting Garak to breakfast even though he doesn’t eat, there’s always a moment when the tears well up in my eyes.

These moments re-presence me to my mission here on this planet: to love others through their suffering into their full power and expression. 

In this, it is as powerful as soul gazing. And any practice which opens your heart, to any degree, is definitely worth continuing.

-Louis

Louisbrantmeyer.com

Embarking on another adventure

A lot has shifted, and I find that it has inspired laser-focus. Distractions have faded away as singular hope for and attention on and action towards my results and outcome are what drive me from the first moment of awakening until restful sleep.

When forced to confront your fears, you learn what’s possible, what you’re made out of, and what kinds of actions there really are to take.

Sometimes a house must be burned down before the one you truly want can be built.

For example, if you take feng shui seriously – which was the first and most major accomplishment of my year, finishing the feng shui for my home and car – then be prepared to receive shifts aligned with your intentions and highest good. Even if those shifts are profoundly uncomfortable.

What’s next? EAN IIIEmpowering Austin Now‘s second workshop series was a massive success, so the momentum forward continues. And for me personally, a return to New Orleans this weekend for this event, triumphant and present.

Recipe for Bliss 77: Keep building. Keep working. Keep moving. Consistent steps along your path will inevitably bring you success.

Climbing Back Up

Sometimes we sabotage ourselves. Plain and simple. We start a diet that we know is healthy and we choose to go outside of it. We have some amazing accomplishment, like a massively successful event we produced, and our identity is so resistant to the new shape of our sense of self that we are immediately seduced into the most wasteful and narcissistic squandering of energy and time, like porn. We make a lot of extra income and spend it without care.

We fall. We falter. We fail.

We are human.

The key, I have discovered, is how quickly we can notice that we are disempowered or acting outside of our commitment… And powerfully choose to recommit in word and action. For me, it often means a cold shower or a call to a colleague to clear up my space of whatever story or blocked emotion has me triggered or disempowered.

The key is to climb back up as quickly as possible, to do whatever it takes to Rempower Yourself.

So looking back on 2017, I see that this was the lesson of the second half of the year. The first half contained this lengthy aligned, focused, clear plateau of upward momentum and continuity.  The second contained a lot of zigzags, seesaws, two steps forward and three steps back. But I kept going, stayed in the game, and restore myself. I climbed back up.

Often for me the reason the climb back up was my next workshop, the fact that more was at stake than my own feeling good in the moment… which leaves me with the question: what cause is bigger enough then you, who in your life are you committed to so strongly, that your highest expression and choice in the moment impacts them dramatically enough to spur you to make it, NOW?