an apocalypse of insomnia

My first visit to Enchanted Rock! It was appropriately healing – in only the most challenging possible way. I went out there with trust in the idea that being closer to Nature would be, finally, THE effective strategy to vanquish the insomnia I’ve dealt with for the past 11 months or so. That I could simply be out there and reset everything and wake up refreshed.
 
It wasn’t so. The insomnia overpowered me. My choice, after the initial rage against the powerlessness I felt – the same one that has been there since I witnessed my father beat the crap out of my mother when I was younger and couldn’t stop him, very close to infancy, which I finally began to touch and stay with, here – was to surrender to my body in those moments and create something else instead.
 
When I couldn’t sleep – powered by the raw fruit fast I was on – I hiked in the dead of night to the rock itself, finding instead a faith in MY own ability to achieve WHATEVER I believe I can achieve. And it WAS faith. Faith that I was taking the right path, faith that it would turn out, faith that the food and water I could fit in my shorts would sustain such a trip, faith that I was safe (traveling alone in darkness with a useless and dead phone) from any and all potentially dangerous animals or slips and falls…faith in the intuitive ability of my body to sense the subtleties of terrain I’d never encountered before and to manage it gracefully…and finally, I was hurting after one hour of hiking…but six? Faith that I wouldn’t just collapse.
 
I transform my doubt and fear into faith, and I do this with ACTION. I KNOW myself as the FEARLESS Cause in the Matter of my life from what I HAVE achieved. I honor my word and make things happen that weren’t going to happen anyway regardless of how many splinters, cuts, and blisters it takes to achieve them. I love myself enough to confront the powerlessness, the terror, and the burning desire by taking massive action to inscribe on my neurons who I REALLY am, what I’m REALLY capable of.
 
I didn’t get what I wanted. I got what I needed. And I am grateful.
 
Talk about embodying Austin Life Empowered, WOW!

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