healing a subtle wound

I’m up late again. It’s easier to think when the world quiets down and the conventional urges for sleep draw most into the machine of cultural routine.

It’s easier to sprout wings and fly amidst the stars, so late – to embrace my birthright of exploration and discovery through reasoning, learning, and creativity. Things the accumulated weights of habit, routine, and community wouldn’t necessarily lead me back to.

A very old wound is finally beginning to heal – a stifled mind. I came to Austin years ago to train in transformation in Landmark Worldwide’s Introduction Leaders Program, and I was told by those training me that my intellect and my reason were only “resistance” and “identity” and “strong suit”. I surrendered my mind in order to produce results…and was heartbroken when the results never materialized. All I had to show for it was a newfound willingness to abdicate the sharpened sword of thinking-for-myself I had spent so many years cultivating…I no longer trusted myself.

To some extent, they saw something valuable that it took years for me to also see and to fully embrace: THAT I have feelings and they matter, THAT I have a body and it matters, and THAT respecting both through touching-and-staying yields joy as much as power. To another, one that I’m only reintegrating now, the most beautiful gift I’d spend ten years building – my intellect – was shoved, held underwater, and seemingly drowned. I kept drowning myself (all doubts, all curiosities, all excitements) that the simplicity of a single often-terribly-articulated audio course (however many truths might definitely be there, despite a profoundly poor understanding of science from an unqualified articulation)…and then the certainty and faith (built justly from actual spiritual experiences that merit such a degree of faith, in his world and for him alone) of one of my mentors…was enough to continue all this, to wrap my mind in the straight-jacket of whatever I was told…from a messy imprecise hodge-podge buffet of New Age beliefs.

No more. Teaching Philosophy again has been like Jacob wrestling with God in the desert and receiving a new name in return. That name, so far, is the act of distinction and the power to be found there. That name, so far, is actually listening to what people are saying and asking if it makes any damned sense before wholesale accepting it. That name, so far, is a mixture of willingness to try things on…and also to completely let go of beliefs that don’t have proof.

It’s right and just and healthy and good that I be critical and considerate, thoughtful and prudent, rigorous and precise. That I question any claim to “intuition” or “divine guidance,” especially when it isn’t also engaging in a rational dialogue around systems of economic, racial, and sexist injustice and unconsciousness…where there’s not enough leverage to have them confront the truly intricate complexity of the world.

I’m doing the work to reconcile Faith and Reason within me, teachability versus holding my own counsel, surrender versus self-assertion. Both are necessary, but in what order? How?

If philosophy weren’t the call of my heart, why would it feel so very good now to ask these very questions and seek the answers?

All the more so, I’m cause in the matter of how I surrendered, uncritically and casually, to ILP. The scar left there was as much from my own choice to lose faith in myself as from the social pressures of the group and practices I’d taken on. Just as I’m now cause in the matter of chasing and learning the balance between faith and reason.

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In the same way,  it’s right and just and healthy and good, the craving for intimacy that I feel. To share and connect and touch and nourish another with words and presence and heart who is willing to meet me there…Stealing Heaven was so tragic and beautiful. I spend so much time with my masculine that the feminine has grown even hungrier. Abelard was similar.

Masculine and feminine, healing together at once within me. I can only be infinitely grateful.

Recipe for Bliss # 490: Heal all your wounds, no matter how subtle. 

entertaining possibility

I’m teaching Philosophy again. The level of creativity, integration, and reverence with which I find myself conducting the activity of creating the curriculum is something I’ve never expressed before. There’s a commitment to doing it fully, doing it as well as possible…that matches the best of my workshops in EAN, at the very least.

And for the first time in a few years, I’ve allowed myself to start thinking for myself fully again. Truly, this world isn’t necessarily what I think it is. I’m not necessarily who I’ve thought myself to be.

I might be wrong. I might be wrong about everything. And it isn’t that “doubt is fear disguised,” to be tapped through or dismissed. Doubt is this key that opens a door into a realm of discovery and creation as much as learning and growth. It’s exhilarating. It’s refreshing. It’s enlivening.

Doubt is Crowley’s hunchback, ?, ready to pull the rug out from under me so that I can see the beauty and mystery of the floor beneath, the crook of the shepherd drawing me back into resonance with a wandering path through the enigmatic universe in all the glory of its novelty as an unknown.

To be an effective salesman, a business owner, a marketer, a coach…it seems you have to have a certain amount of certainty…and possibly even inerrant dogmatism. And it’s tiresome to have even some of The Answers.* It’s so nice to rest, like Apollo in the sea of stars, in an endless pool of possibility…

“O Nuit, continuous one of Heaven, let it be ever thus; that men speak not of Thee as One but as None; and let them speak not of thee at all, since thou art continuous!” (CCXX 1:27)

Recipe for Bliss # 3: “The unexamined life is not worth living.” So examine it

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*(Yes, it’s important to be Crowley’s Soldier as well, standing for meaning and purpose and accomplishment and freedom and creation in a world that can seem hostile and challenging…but there needs to be a balance between faith and reason, between certainty and doubt, between grasp of Truth and willingness to learn).

“You’re making love to my purpose.”

I met someone.

Well, I’ve known her for years, but I met her again for the first time in a long while. She showed up differently, and so did I, as we walked around her neighborhood in quick laps. She was vibrantly giddy to be around me and while I was exhausted, I was definitely being energized by her presence.

She noted that the increased attraction was about all the work I had done, and that I was doing The Work.

I asked her at one point what she was into in relationships, and she said quite clearly: “That he be fucking my purpose, not me. That he aligns and is excited about what I’m up to in the world more than into me.”

This was new to hear and interesting.

What we share in terms of purpose is the general orientations of commitment to develop ourselves, to be with and heal and transform what’s there, and to turn the spotlight of our well-honed attentions and energies upon other people as clients, and to transform this world for the better.

It echoed through my dancing self-care this morning.

I was watching “Change of Heart” (Star Trek: Deep Space Nine) and I saw it again. Two people on their missions together, helping each other to survive and thrive in a chaotic world.

Long gone are the cryptic days of Casanova. It’s clear that merging of energies must be aligned.

Love must be of the Highest Possibility for both and all, both in and through the Other…or nothing at all. 

the magic of a burning desire

I have more hope, freedom, security, excitement, novelty, beauty, room for creativity, and alignment in my life than I’ve ever had before.

It started with feng shui and the willingness to follow out my hunger to create workshop series. as well as a lot of honesty around what I was really feeling at my day job. I stopped trying to hide my disgust and lack of motivation.

It continued with my hope and faith in continuing to make EAN II work despite circumstances.

It pulled me through one of the most challenging periods of my life so far. The loss of  clients, a corporate job, and every shred of self-doubt that lingered in my field.

It wakes me up in the middle of the night with delighted hunger to iron out some small logistical wrinkle from the seamless garment of Empowering Austin Now’s oncoming future….AND…

Literally…effortlessly and in flow, within the time between the beginning of my writing this post and the end, another creative and financial opportunity delightful and exciting and aligned just dropped into my lap.

The music never stops.

Building EAN is my burning desire.

What’s yours?

Find it.

If you want help, book a Create Your Beloved Now* session with me – louisbrantmeyer.com

*it’s not just about creating your Beloved now…it’s about creating a Now that is ITSELF your Beloved, and where you love yourself Fully In that Now ❤